Conventional wisdom tells us there’s someone for
everyone. And with the power of the
Internet, single people are no longer relegated to cruising bars, clubs, or
similar haunts looking for dates and companionship. According to recent studies, more than a
third of recent marriages in the USA started online. A little bit of digging and a determined
single will encounter a treasure trove of dating sites: from the “bold, scientific approach” of eHarmony to the all-encompassing Match.com (which claims to have pioneered
Internet dating). But what if you are a
little more, shall we say, discriminating in your tastes? Even with the power
of the Internet, it’s not always easy to find “the one”. Not to worry, there really is a dating site
for everyone.
NaturistPassion.com:
Clothes too restrictive? Looking to date someone a bit more “free”?
Naturistpassion is the world's best and largest relationship site for nudists,
naturists and anyone else who enjoys a natural, nude,naked, clothing free
lifestyle.
UniformDating.com: All
right, we get it. People in uniforms are
hot…
DateALittle.com and TallFriends.com: When 5’10 isn’t enough or 4 feet is just
right. Why not engage in a sanctioned bit of
heightism? If height is your thing or looking for that oh so special height,
these are the best places to go.
WomenBehindBars.com and MeetanInmate.com: With the success of Netflix’s Orange is the
New Black, I’d be interested to know if these sites haven’t seen a serious
upswing in users. I bet there’s a better
than average chance at hooking up here. Unfortunately (?), the site doesn't list what
the offenses were to land them in prison, so you are kind of taking your
chances.
Furrymate.com and pounced.org: Not familiar with a “plushie” or "furry"?
You should probably look it up elsewhere (warning: it's not very PG).
ClownDating.com: As
if clowns weren’t scary enough, there’s a dating site for them. Even the tag line gives me creeps: “Everybody loves a clown…..let a clown love
you.” That could be the tag line for any
number of horror films.
MulletPassions.com:
The mighty mullet!! Business in the front, party in the back! No more
shame or judgment over your love of this classic redneck staple. Bonus points for having a picture of the seldom
seen “fem mullet”, the rarest and most elusive of all mullets.
MyFreeImplants.com: An
investment opportunity like no other. "Invest in breasts" it says at My Free Implants.com, where wealthy men can
donate money for females to get the breast implants they've always dreamed of. With the added bonus that said females may
just want to start a relationship with provider. On second thought, perhaps this belongs with SugarDaddy.com and the like.
SeaCaptainDate.com: Tired
of having only the ocean as a mistress? I’ll let site explain: “My mistress may be the sea, but the thing
is, that’s just an expression. There ain’t really no sex involved.” - Caleb’s
Testimonial Video. Glad we got some clarification on that.
BeautifulPeople.com and DarwinDating.com: “Sick of dating websites filled with ugly,
unattractive, desperate fatsos?” they shout. As if you probably didn’t feel bad enough
already, these sites are here to twist the knife a little deeper. You have to pass a photo screening before you
can even begin to make a profile. Here’s
a brief list of what’s not allowed:
“Hair in the wrong places on women”
“Mid-digital hair”
“Overuse of bright blue eyeshadow”
“Weird pubic hair”
“Red hair and too many freckles”
And much more.
ScientificMatch.com: For
a paltry $2000 lifetime membership, this site will find you a match based on physical
chemistry. Their CLIA/ASH-accredited lab analyzes your supplied DNA sample to
find that perfect someone. The site
claims there are multiple benefits to a DNA comparison, including (but not
limited to) you’ll love the natural body fragrance of your matches, a greater
chance of a more satisfying sex life, higher rates of fertility, and a greater
chance of having healthier children with more robust immune systems.
I’ve saved the best and most head scratching for last:
Amish-Online-Dating.com:
I'm not entirely sure how this works. Who knew the Amish had high-speed
Internet connections? Are Amish people even allowed to use computers? Regardless,
Amish-Online-Dating is a website that showcases the Amish steps into the 21st
century
I engage in political
discussions from time to time, though rarely are they very serious.
Politically, I describe myself as "Socially Liberal, Fiscally
Conservative". Which, in plain English, means I'm fairly middle of
the road, though I do lean a little farther to the right. Give me guns,
gay marriage, the death penalty, stop spending my tax dollars frivolously, keep
abortion legal, I'll be happy a guy. However, I am lucky and blessed to have
friends and acquaintances on all sides of the political spectrum.
With the holidays upon us,
that means family. And family means political
"discussions". To stir things up just a little and liven your
holiday chats, here are a few things to gently annoy your favorite gun toting
conservative (a.k.a. "right winger".) To all my conservative friends, I defy
you to get through this list without finding at least one that made you wince a
little. And hopefully chuckle.
I now balance the scales from
my earlier "25 Ways to Annoy a Liberal".
I engage in political discussions from time to time, though
rarely are they very serious. Politically, I describe myself as "Socially
Liberal, Fiscally Conservative".
Which, in plain English, means I'm fairly middle of the road, though I
do lean a little farther to the right.
Give me guns, gay marriage, the death penalty, stop spending my tax
dollars frivolously, keep abortion legal, I'll be happy a guy. However, I am
lucky and blessed to have friends and acquaintances on all sides of the
political spectrum.
With the holidays upon us, that means family. And family means political
"discussions". To stir things
up just a little and liven your holiday chats, here are a few things to gently
annoy your favorite bleeding heart "liberal" (or alternately, the
nausea inducing "progressive".)
To all my liberal friends, I defy you to get through this list without finding at least one that made you wince a little.
Conservatives, don't get too comfortable, I'm coming for you next.
25 Ways to Annoy a Liberal
Know the Constitution.
Liberals view the founding document of our nation’s heritage as archaic,
irrelevant, and a "charter of negative liberties." Besides, parchment went out in the 18th century.
Make sure your children play with toy guns loudly and in
public.
While playing with said guns, encourage them to say such
things as“Bang, bang, you’re dead!” or play “Cowboys and Indians.” Even better, refer to it as "Cowboys and Injuns."
Simply own a gun, preferably a scary looking one. Whether you use it or not is irrelevant. Liberals
hate this fundamental right.
Tell them Michael Moore’s films are not accurate and point
out he’s jet-setting multi-millionaire with an immense carbon footprint.
Work in the private sector.
Receiving a paycheck not issued from the government is simply
preposterous.
Watch NASCAR instead of PBS.
Go to church regularly.
Even better, live what you learn there.
Say the Pledge of Allegiance and really emphasize the “UNDER GOD” part.
Listen to Rush Limbaugh instead of NPR.
Take every opportunity to link terrorists with Islam.
Eat meat.
Barbecue said meat with charcoal first.
Use your gun (see #4 above) to hunt the meat before you
barbecue it with charcoal.
Smoke a big, fat cigar, cigarette, or even just an e-cigarette after eating the meat
you shot and then barbecued over charcoal.
Pray in public, preferably in a school or courthouse. If you prefer, pull a Tim Tebow, and use a football field.
Be sure to frequently refer to America as “The Greatest Country in the
World”.
Always keep a Bible at your desk.
Give straight “yes” or “no” answers without any nuance or
grey area.
Happily drive an SUV.
For added impact, make sure it has a “God Bless America” and “Rebel
Flag” bumper sticker on it.
Remind them that Bill Clinton was the "first black President". If you really want to get a rise, state that Obama is only half black, and therefore not
truly the “first black President.”
Ask if George Bush was a “great President” or “Greatest
President”. Accept no other responses.
Frequently mention Bill Clinton as the “worst President
ever”.
Politely argue with facts and logic. Be prepared to be called a “Nazi”, ”Fascist”
or “Racist”.
Work hard, succeed, and be happy. Liberals are acutely annoyed when others,
especially conservatives, are happy.
Note how I placed this picture all the way to the right.
I am a rabid movie buff. I devour movies the way others devour books or gobble up sports. Most conversations with me that last longer than thirty or so minutes will usually include a quote, allusion, or similar reference to a film. One of the main things that I think really separates me from most of my other fellow movie buffs is I love almost all movies. From star studded blockbusters and F/X heavy extravaganzas to indie films and movies so obscure most people refuse to believe they exists, I enjoy them all. A movie has to be truly bad for me to not enjoy it on some level. A friend of mine once told me “You are the only person I know who can watch Synecdoche and Drive Angry and enjoy both equally.”
The holidays are barreling at us like a freight train and for a lot of families that means a glut of movie viewing, both at home and in theaters. Families can be challenging and difficult to spend time with; according to the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO - but not that one), Thanksgiving is historically the busiest day of the year for movie theaters - and Christmas is a very close second. For some people, movies are a yearly tradition that the whole family can enjoy. For others, it's about taking a break from family or shopping to simply relax for a bit. No matter the reason, movies at Thanksgiving and Christmas are a staple of American holiday tradition.
Every family has their favorite holiday movies, many of them time honored classics. I want to add to that list by drawing attention to lesser known films that may be overlooked. I want to avoid It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, Scrooged and other long established classics and instead focus more on overlooked or more recent films. For example, despite being released in 1989, it’s only been the last decade or so that National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation has been widely acknowledged as a “new” Christmas classic.
For your consideration, the best holiday movies you aren’t watching (in no particular order):
DIE HARD: Arguably one of the best action movies ever made, Die Hard made Bruce Willis an A lister, unleashed Alan Rickman on an unsuspecting world, and created an entirely new sub-genre of action film with “Die Hard on a (blank)” becoming a favorite plot synopsis and studio pitch.
NYPD Detective John McClane (Bruce Willis, in the performance that would create his on screen persona), is a New York cop with a penchant for annoying authority figures. Traveling to Los Angeles in a last ditch attempt to patch things up with his estranged wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), McClane finds himself involved in a hostage situation. Terrorists, led by the enigmatic Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), have taken over the towering Nakatomi Plaza skyscraper, holding McClane, his wife, and her coworkers hostage. Gruber holds the upper hand over the LAPD and FBI forces in Los Angeles, and it's up to McClane to save the day.
Die Hard is lean, mean, and doesn't contain a single second of wasted screen time. The direction, the action, the story, the acting, every aspect is big-budget action movie perfection. Die Hard became the prototype for action films to follow; it's difficult to think of an 80’s/90’s blockbuster action film that doesn't follow the basic structure and format of Die Hard . . . or, for that matter, is better than Die Hard. Forget the various sequels and stick with the original.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT: The big reveal of a dead terrorist bound to a chair, with McClane’s taunting statement: “Now I have a machine gun. Ho-Ho-Ho” scrawled across his chest. The scene by itself is good enough, but hearing Rickman as he reads the whole thing sends the cool factor into the stratosphere.
BAD SANTA: Definitely
not for children, Bad Santa is Christmas at its darkest; full of profanity,
sexual situations, bad people, and evil deeds.
And it’s gut bustlingly hilarious.
At the height of the holiday season, merry shoppers have begun their
yearly pilgrimages to their local malls.
Among them are alcoholic con man Willie T. Stokes (Billy Bob Thornton)
and his pint-sized partner, Marcus (Tony Cox).
Each year on Christmas Eve, Stokes and Marcus stage elaborate robberies
and take mall department stores for everything they've got. But, their strategy gets complicated when
they encounter a precocious 8-year old that teaches them the true meaning of
Christmas. But not in the way you might
think.
As a drunken, revolting, immoral Santa, Billy Bob is a
wonder. His face is a moving,
disturbing, hysterical reflection of his awareness. This is a dig-in nails, ribald, hardcore
satirical look at one man in the midst of a total breakdown during Christmas
time. Despite the description, the film
is touching, but not in a conventional sense.
On the surface, the film comes across as a vulgar assault on the
Christmas spirit, and, in a way, it is.
But deeper than that is a story about a man who has lost all faith in
the human race. Listless, damaged,
perhaps broken beyond repair, it seems impossible that Willie could ever be restored.
Without being sappy, disguised behind twisted humor, Bad Santa is
an emotional journey of redemption for a thoroughly contemptible character. It's a masterpiece of dark comedy and one of
the best holiday films in recent years.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT: Mall
Manager Bob (John Ritter, in his final film role) catches a Santa attired
Willie in flagrante delicto with a woman in the dressing room. The profane conversation that follows is
priceless. And also impossible to find
on Youtube.
GREMLINS: Any child
from the 80’s knows you don’t ever feed your Mogwai after midnight. Hilarious
mayhem and destruction erupt in a town straight out of Norman Rockwell when miniature
green monsters tear through the small town of Kingston Falls.
When Billy
Peltzer is given a small creature called a Mogwai by his father, he is unaware
of the carnage he is about to encounter. There is a huge responsibility in looking
after Gizmo as there are certain rules which must be followed. The Mogwai must
be kept away from bright light, never made wet and never, ever be fed after
midnight. When an accident occurs involving Gizmo and water, the next stage of
the Mogwai appears, and it isn't nice at all.
A crazy, twisted, inventive, and violent Christmas classic,
Gremlins melds wicked comedy with nail biting creeps. There's really no way to classify or
categorize Gremlins. It's too mean-spirited to be a kid's film, but not quite
intense enough to justify a harsher rating.
Regardless, the laughs and scares of Gremlins are dark, chaotic and
pretty darn infectious. Even now, almost 30 years after its release,
Gremlins somehow remains endearing, fresh, and funny with a bunch of likable
characters - especially Gizmo, the favorite and most infamous little critter
ever seen on screen, and Stripe, the lead gremlin whose unfortunate frying
incident at the end of the film actually makes you sad.
Gremlins was a smash hit and kicked off a rash of movies (of
varying quality) featuring mischievous little flesh eating varmints: Critters 1-4, Ghoulies 1-4, Munchies, Troll,
Hobgoblins, Evil Toons, and a personal favorite franchise, Leprechaun.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:
Phoebe Cates on why she hates Christmas.
THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT:
Before there was Jason Bourne, there was Charly Baltimore. Small-town
schoolteacher and amnesiac housewife Samantha Kane (Geena Davis) slowly begins
to regain her memory and realizes she really used to be a secret government
assassin! Soon, there are plenty of shady men after her and small-time private
detective Mitch Henessey (Samuel L. Jackson).
Cue any number of one liners, insane action sequences, and plenty of
explosions.
This movie is absolutely ridiculous and that’s the best
part. TLKG in no way reflects the real
world. Nothing in this film makes any
real world sense or has any real world logic. It operates entirely in its own
little world. This is an action film
with brain and brawn that follows its own internal logic. If you can accept the completely unreal
premise of a hit woman regaining her memory as the past comes back to haunt
her, this is a film for you. Truly,
forget about that, this flick isn’t about storyline, it’s about action, and
there's plenty of that to go around.
People either love or hate TLKG, if they've ever heard of it at all. If you like action films this is a film to
definitely try.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT: The
whole movie is full of Christmas goodies (as the trailer below shows), but I especially like Geena Davis
using some industrial strength Christmas lights to get the upper hand on a bad
guy.
PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES: Easily the reigning champ of Thanksgiving
themed movies. I’m not sure who had the
brilliant idea of pairing Steve Martin and John Candy together but they are a
genius. The only downside is why it
didn't happen earlier and more often. Constantly
hilarious, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is a fantastic road trip comedy
which incredibly, was not included in the AFI's Top 100 Comedies. It will easily bring you to tears, both from
laughter and its touching ending. The
greatness and pure genius of Planes, Trains and Automobiles is that,
while it is uproariously hysterical, unlike other generic comedies, it also
reveals great hurt and truth.
The movie’s premise is pretty basic: Neal Page (Steve Martin) wants
to get home for Thanksgiving. Cursed
with bad luck from the movie’s start, his flight is cancelled due to weather. Desperate to get home, Page decides to seek
out other means of transportation, only to meet traveling shower ring salesman Del Griffith
(John Candy). Griffith is not only a salesman,
but an all-around blabbermouth who is never short of unwanted advice, bad jokes, or long and one sided conversations. And he’s going the same direction as
Neal....
John Candy remains one of the most underrated and
underwritten film comedians of all time. Offered constant mediocre scripts during
the eighties and early nineties, all the way up until his death in 1994, he
could always make the material something more, something watchable. But given
great material to work with, Candy was simply brilliant. It's genius how much dramatic, emotional and
truthful subtext sneak into this film, and yet it only makes it all the better
for it. It’s a serious comedy that has both heart and is hilarious at the same
time.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:
The morning the two wake up at the Braidwood Inn…..
SANTA CLAUS: There
have been many movies versions of Santa but I can guarantee you've never seen
one quite like this. Remember earlier
when I mentioned obscure movies? This is one of them. Immortalized in an episode of the first-rate Mystery Science Theater 3000, this Santa Claus remains one of the most
compellingly bizarre movies I've ever seen; this film is the stuff nightmares
are made of. Fans of psychotropic cinema
will be in heaven as this version of Santa is as unique a viewing experience as
either "Eraserhead" or "El Topo". A movie like this is the stuff cult film
fanatics can only dream of.
Where to begin? In this universe, Santa doesn't live in the North
Pole, but in a cloud in outer space. Equipped with more surveillance devices
than the Impossible Mission Force (seemingly made up of appliances and human
organs), Santa knows what every child is up to.
Though this Santa doesn't have elves, he does have the help of Merlin
the Magician (?!) and children from all around the world (apparently child
labor laws don't mean too much to him). Santa’s
sworn enemy is Pitch, a prissy devil who dances a lot, complains of stomach
cramps, and uses wild hand gestures when he talks. For some reason, Pitch has
to destroy Christmas or Satan will make his ulcer worse! Oh, and Santa’s reindeer are mechanical and
need to be wound up with a magic key to work.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:
Since this movie doesn't follow the standard holiday traditions, it’s
impossible to say. Just watch this:
RARE EXPORTS: A
CHRISTMAS TALE: From one strange
interpretation of Santa to the next. Except
Rare Exports is superb Anti-Christmas viewing; a darkly comic gem of a horror
movie. Rare Exports reminds me of other
excellent darker movies with child protagonists such as The Goonies, Something
Wicked This Way Comes, Monster Squad and The Lost Boys. In these movies, the kids were the first to
realize what was truly happening while the adults lagged behind in
disbelief. Rare Exports is very funny in
different places for different reasons but always keeps a dark, sinister edge
to it. There's a constant tinge of horror in
the background at all times; if Stephen King or Clive Barker were to write a
horror story that was “fun for the whole family”, I imagine it would be much
like this.
It’s Christmas Eve in northern Finland and an archaeological
dig has just unearthed the real Santa Claus.
But this particular Santa is not one you want coming through your
town. When local naughty children begin
disappearing young Pietari and his father Rauno set out to capture the
mythological being. But this Santa
turns out to be a nightmarish brute. And
his army of ravenous elves will stop at nothing to free their leader from
captivity.
If you're sick of plots involving candy canes, people
stealing presents and Grinchy rip off characters tamely threatening the holiday
season, then this is the movie for you.
Rare Exports is a welcome distraction from all the ‘niceness’ of
Christmas. The film finds a great balance
between horror, terror, humor and remembering that it shouldn't take itself too
seriously. The movie is about a killer Santa
Claus (or Claws, maybe?) after all.
As an added bonus, the rugged Finnish landscape is breathtakingly
beautiful.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:
Finally, a movie Santa that actually cares if you are naughty or
nice. And if you are naughty, a lump of
coal will be the least of your worries.
THANKSKILLING: Let’s
just get this out of the way right now:
this movie is not supposed to be good. It's supposed to be as bad as it
sounds. I wavered back and forth about
whether or not to even include this on the list. To say this movie is bad is to like saying
Oedipus had a mild crush on his mother.
However, the more I thought about it, the more I felt I had to include
it. Sometimes, a bad movie is so bad it
actually transcends its badness and achieves an inexplicable greatness. Without fear of contradiction, I can safely
say that Thankskilling is the single best holiday-themed movie about a homicidal
turkey ever made.
"Thankskilling" is a movie made for horror fans,
as it totally exploits the ridiculous genre conventions most horror films
employ to a fault. It’s offensive,
vulgar, and most of all, completely absurd, but all the crazy random elements
are woven together in a way that could almost be called genius. The Turkey is actually a ridiculously poor
quality hand puppet, and yet the Turkey is one of the more refreshing villains
I've seen in low budget horror. The
acting is intentionally wooden and at times over the top, but it all gels
perfectly with the outlandish and sarcastic tone of the film. If you're in the mood for some absurd horror fare, "Thankskilling"
will offer you a great time. Just be sure to check your political correctness
at the door.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:
The Turkey hitches a ride and yet, not once does the driver even
question the presence of a talking turkey with a shotgun. I’m not about to post a video from this movie
here— brave souls can find many on YouTube.
SANTA’S SLAY: Much
like Rare Exports, Santa’s Slay reinvents Kris Kringle as something much more
than a jolly fat man in a red suit. Santa’s
Slay is a pleasantly deranged and hugely entertaining horror comedy stuffed
with season’s beatings. Intentionally
silly and over the top, Santa’s Slay actually has a few clever and creative ideas
hidden in all the onscreen corn. And
extra points for any movie that can actually find a way to put the sport of
curling in the spotlight.
This version of Santa, played with berserker biker attitude
by professional wrestler Bill Goldberg, is actually the son of Satan (never
noticed the name similarity before.)
Originally, Christmas was "The Day of Slaying" for Santa until
an angel defeated Santa in a curling (!!) match. His sentence:
for 1,000 years, Santa would have to be joyful and deliver presents to
children on Christmas. Unfortunately,
the 1,000 years is up and this means that Santa is free to kill again. After a
couple of pointless but hilarious stops to slaughter annoying actors
like Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan, the mad as hell Santa heads for the
township of Hell to take revenge.
There is so much fun to be had with this movie. Despite the ridiculousness of it all, Santa’s
Slay actually has some genuinely clever moments. The first three minutes of this movie is a
great sequence of dysfunctional family Christmas humor, with the holiday dinner
of a "happy" family (Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart, Fran Drescher,
and James Caan among them) and the arrival of the wicked Santa Claus. The scene explaining Santa’s origins are
equally hilarious and magnificently done in the wooden stop motion style of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
A few other favorites include Santa beating up Christmas Carolers, kids
running from Santa on snow mobiles, and a Jew holding up the Star of David to
Santa, like a cross to a Vampire, in hopes his faith would save him. The film gets extra points in the irony department for its emphasis on curling and using
Bill Goldberg, a Jewish professional wrestler, as Santa Claus.
Overall, Santa's Slay is a campy, funny, gory,
all-around fun little movie. It's unrealistic and it's completely cheesy, but
it's entertainment that anyone who enjoys black comedies or needs a break from
standard holiday fare will want to check out. If you're expecting a serious
horror flick, avoid this, but if you enjoy lighthearted, stupidly fun slasher
movies, then this movie is perfect.
BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:
The aforementioned Christmas dinner scene that sets the tone for the entire
film.
First, please accept my apologies for not updating this for a few weeks. I had all plans and intentions to put something up about every 10 days or so. Unfortunately, as you’ll soon read, the Universe had other plans and has been having its way with me for a while now. This brings me to the last week or so, a series of time hand delivered (COD no less) by Ol’ Scratch himself.
The week spawned by Satan began, as I suspect most insanely evil things do, innocently enough. Sitting at home on a Sunday morning, catching up on episodes of “Blacklist” and “Supernatural”, Raquel, still getting over a case of the sniffles, decided to take a short nap. She was rudely woken some time later by a punch in the face from a fever. Gripping tightly, the fever had brought with it some body aches and chills that made for an overall miserable experience. We both suspected she was in for a bout with the flu; a few aspirin, some soup, and Raquel began to weather the storm.
The following day her fever spiked to over 103, just as we were headed to doctor’s office. Thankfully, we weren’t kept waiting for too long before Raquel was shuffled into the office for the nurse to begin taking her vitals. Visibly sick, fever and blood pressure sky rocketing, the nurse still felt it necessary to lecture us on the importance of exercising at least three times a week. While her timing was questionable, I still had to admire her thoroughness. The doctor arrived shortly after, and the standard flu test was administered. Much to everyone’s surprise, (including the good doctor), the test came back negative. If I were a betting man, I would have surely lost. We were sent home with some simple over the counter Ibuprofen and directions for Raquel to take life easy. Raquel would much of the rest of the week on the couch, shivering and burning at the same time.
Wednesday rolls around and it’s now my turn to visit the doctor. One of the more annoying aspects of my bout with skin cancer is that now anything that looks even remotely suspicious gets cut out, or “excised” to use the proper medical term. Now (more or less) fully recovered from the surgery, the doctors have taken to excising me with a regularity I find disturbing. Over the last two months, I’ve had over a dozen various excisions and I’m frequently sporting multiple bandages, gauze, and band aids underneath my clothes. I started referring to these appointments as “Operation Slice N’ Dice” and I’m currently healing from Phase IV. I’ve joked with a few people that, including the arm, I would make a decent Frankenstein’s monster. Most of the time, these excisions are normally small and cause more discomfort than true pain. And truly, compared to what could have been, this is a small price to pay. But Phase IV proved to be a bit different.
During my exam, it was determined that one of the suspicious areas had actually begun growing back, despite a previous excision. Roughly two hours later and wonderfully numb from multiple injections, I left the doctor with a new personal record of “3 Places On My Body With Multiple Stitches”. I was now sporting excisions on my right temple, the small of my back, and rather wide and deep excision right by my left knee. My dossier was getting pretty impressive, roughly 30 stitches in one visit. I was feeling a bit like a philosophical karate using bouncer working at a rundown road side bar.
The next few days passed in a blur; Raquel convalescing on one couch, me on the other. Raquel slept, I hobbled, and we both worked our way back to health. The Universe, however, was not quite done having its way with us. On the way home from a follow up with the doctor, Raquel is involved in a car wreck that sadly totals our car. I’ve been told that a picture is worth a thousand words, so I’ll simply let them do their jobs. After many years of good and faithful service, the Stratus deserved so much better than this.
I think it’s time we picked up some lottery tickets. With our run of bad luck, we’re due an upswing of sorts. I’ve been wracking my brains trying to figure what god or divine being we’ve unknowingly offended. I don’t remember breaking any mirrors lately and I studiously avoid black cats. In any case, we may be headed to New Orleans in the very near future. There’s some bad mojo that needs to be taken care of.
My employer loves attempting to be “green”. I say “attempting” because most of their efforts,
while they may look and sound good, I suspect have very little real impact. Like many things in Corporate America, it is more for show than anything actually measurable. For example, I came to work one day in August
only to be politely ambushed at the front door by some very pleasant members of
the Georgia Clean Air Campaign. These
folks were there to make sure we knew the benefits of telecommuting, working
from home, and other remote work options. Nothing against the Clean Air Campaign people, however, this came as a
bit of a slap in the face. Fathom the
hypocrisy of an employer who refuses to allow any type of remote work and yet brings in an organization to tell us all how much better it would
be for the environment if we weren't driving to work every day. Sound and fury, signifying nothing. While most of these green efforts are mere
annoyances, every now and again one turns into a full blown disaster. And thus began "The Saga of the Flushless Urinal".
Almost four years ago to the day, in yet another green
effort, my employer decided to install flushless urinals in our building. If you are unfamiliar with a flushless or
waterless urinal, it’s pretty much like it sounds: unlike traditional urinals, which (depending
on who you ask) use one to five gallons of water per flush, flushless urinals
use no water save for the occasional cleaning.
Based on this brief description, I can’t say I found the idea very
appealing. Waterless plumbing? A novel
idea! I bet if you stare at it long enough, and click your heels maybe it will
just disappear. On the surface, the idea of a waterless urinal is simply disgusting. Yet, I couldn’t really argue the water
conservation aspect of it. Additionally,
I was told that studies “suggest” that a flushless urinal has far less bacteria
and microorganisms. Looking at these
urinals, this part especially sounded like a bit of stretch and seems more firmly in the category of "wishful thinking".
Slightly off topic for a moment, but I’m always wary of any
study that “suggests” something. A great
deal of the misinformation floating around comes from studies that “suggests”
something. For example, someone reads a
snippet of a lab study that shows sour sop seeds have 10,000 times the potency
of a common chemotherapy drug on a type of colon cancer (note all the fine
print.) Now unleashed, this one snippet
from one lab study concerning one particular drug against one particular type
of cancer becomes the cure the world has been waiting for. This further mutates into a highly misleading
and potentially dangerous claim that sour sop is a "miracle
unleashed" and a viable alternative to medical cancer treatments. It’s why I take any opportunity to debunk
internet myths and urban legends: the
peddling of nonsense under the guise of pseudoscience.
Hmmm....not really.
However, I digress and will now focus on the topic, back
to the flushless urinal. While it seemed
the water conservation was an advantage, I wasn’t sure how much help this truly
would be to the environment. It seemed
to me any benefit from the water reduction would be offset by urinals that
perpetually reek of chemicals and pee. Regardless,
none of these concerns really mattered.
Like it or not, I’m stuck in this building for roughly eight hours each
day. Despite my reservations, I made my
first approach with an open mind.
This is the offensive monstrosity. Note the lonely water
pipe above it, pondering what it will do now that flushing has been deemed environmentally
damaging. Flushing can't be worse than the rank chemicals used in this
porcelain stink pot. This picture was taken in late 2009 yet somehow my office bathroom
had reverted back to outhouse mode.
Now don't you feel better knowing this? I do.
As you are relieving yourself, my employer was nice enough
to provide reading material in the form of this wonderfully enlightening sign. This lets you know, in no uncertain terms, exactly
why you are breathing in a potentially hazardous mix of chemical and pee fumes. While I still can’t really argue the water
savings, surely in the 21st century there is a better way. If my employer (or any other organization using these) really wanted to think green, I think the first step would be to get rid of all the self-flushing toilets. Those things go off if someone simply walks by the stall and even when you are sitting on them, creating an unexpected bidet effect. Have you ever tried to put the paper liner on those self-flushers only to have them flush it away before you can even sit on it?
For some strange reason, at the bottom of the urinal, there is
a small bee painted into the porcelain. I'm still not sure how the bee factors
into anything, so I just used it as a bulls eye. I'm sure someone worked hard on this drawing only to have it urinated on by total strangers. So much for all that time in
art school. A friend of mine actually
posited the theory that the bee was to signify the “boys” restroom; the "girls" restroom would have had little birds, according to her. It did (and still does) make just as much
sense as any other theory surrounding insect paintings and flushless urinals.
The flushless urinals would remain in the building and I
simply adjusted. Slowly, over time, there
came a very subtle aromatic change. The
hallway began to have a smell, ever so faintly.
The nearby break room, sharing a wall with the bathroom, eventually had
a slight smell creep into the area. For
several months, I thought it was simply my imagination, something that my subconscious
created. Until, one fateful day early last month when this sign first appeared, ominously hanging on the men's room door:
For the next several weeks, floor by floor, room by room, the restrooms went through a
complete overhaul. Entire sections of pipe were torn out
of walls and the flushless urinals were removed, to be replaced again with
regular urinals. Seems the decision
makers didn't realize that without any water to flush away the waste, it would
just sit there in the pipes. Copper pipes. And apparently uric acid and copper pipes
don't play well together. Copper pipe,
it seems, is more susceptible to corrosion from the acid and instead of
entering the sewage system…..well, by now I’m sure you get the picture. Roland Emmerich needs to make a movie about
this now!
Fast forward to the present day and the office restrooms are
restored and right back where they started.
The urinals once again flush with water, the restrooms completely rebuilt. My employer emerges, scarred but hopefully
a bit smarter. Was it worth it? Who can say? I’m sure the PR group though it was a great warm and fuzzy to say we had "completely
waterless" urinals. Probably a
terrific selling point too...right up until the pipes pulled
a Niagara Falls on somebody's head. I think the waterless urinals were more a money saving experiment and less about the environment. Regardless, I
hope with the next “green” initiative, the people in charge will involve The
Department of Unintended Consequences at the very beginning.
Unless you've had
your head buried in the sand for the last few days, you know the United States
government is “shut down”. I use this term loosely because many
government employees are, thankfully, still working and getting paid. Not
surprisingly, the politicians responsible for this are, of course, getting paid.
“Essential” employees are still on duty as well as parts of the government that
don’t fall under the spending in the budget process. While I may delve
into an occasional rant, this blog was never really intended for political
postings. But this shutdown is such good entertainment, I can’t pass it
up.
Despite the palpable fear in the air I ventured
out this morning and headed towards Atlanta. Everything seemed normal-I got up,
fed the cat, let the dogs out, brought them in, my shower worked, my toilet
flushed (too bad it didn't dump out in DC), still had to pay federal
gas tax at the pump, traffic was flowing, street lights were on. I
discovered, rather shockingly, that local police are still working, as the nice
officer was pretty insistent that I had to wear clothes while venturing outside
of the house. Still, I'm not taking chances and wanted to record my
thoughts for posterity. I figure the rioting won't start until tomorrow,
when a full day without government has passed.
I am not going to get into a rampaging "Who
caused what" type of blog entry; there are more than enough of those to
read. Neither will I get into which side is to blame for it.
There is plenty of blame to go around and there has been for a long time, regardless
of political party. Realistically, the issue should never have remained
unresolved until October 1. Responsible politicians would not create an
artificial crisis nor would they have made a political shell game out of
necessary decisions. What I am far more interested in is simple
observations, jokes, humor, thoughts, about the shutdown. For example, I
thought of a “sequester” joke:
"The zombies were out in full force this
morning in Arlington, VA, looking for brains. They were heading for Capitol
Hill, so it looks like they’re gonna starve.”
See what I mean?
Shockingly, in spite of the shutdown, I feel no
different. Perhaps the shutdown is like radiation or carbon monoxide -
you can’t see it, smell it, or feel it. This is the first shutdown since
the 90’s and, if one is to believe it, Bill and Monica developed a relationship
that would become history during this time. I wonder if my fellow
Atlantans have ransacked the grocery store, stocking up on milk, eggs, and
bread? These are usually the first things that fly off the shelves during any
crisis. No matter what happens, people here need to be able to make
french toast! Or some other "milk bread" sandwich. I believe there is a state (or at
least city) law that makes raiding these items from the grocery store
mandatory in times of crisis.
Apparently, at this point, this is the only real impact the media can
find. Of course, being the good alarmists they are, they see fit to keep
reminding me that it could get a million times worse at literally any minute.
And then, that’s when things will getREALLYtough and then weREALLYget screwed. And once that
happens, it signifies the complete collapse of everything and our society will
plunge into chaos, spin out of control, or whatever other cliche seems fit to
use. I keep waiting on the media to start predicting when the power goes
off and the riots start in Detroit, DC, NYC, and LA. I want to have fresh
popcorn ready.
I can't help but wonder what other, less reported effects this shutdown may have. Will Voyager I turn around and head back to Earth? Or does it park itself and power down in the darkness of space? What about PBS? Have they been forced to give Big Bird the ax? It would be traumatic, I think, for children to see him dumpster diving for birdseed. The shutdown may even impact America's one true religion of football, as the Air Force-Navy and Army-Boston games set for this weekend could be cancelled.
Lest you think I’m heartless, I sympathize with
the impacted employees -Good conscientious people, not useless bureaucrat
hacks. It is a serious situation and will have large consequences for
many people. The fact that our elected “leaders” have gotten to this point
should be enough to make any rational person sit down and weep.
Aw hell, spoke too soon…..I just beheld a pale
horse and upon him a pale rider heading toward I-285. I will continue to
hold out as long as I can.
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