The Saga of the Flushless Urinal

"Drive to work less! Oh, you can't...awkward"

My employer loves attempting to be “green”.   I say “attempting” because most of their efforts, while they may look and sound good, I suspect have very little real impact.  Like many things in Corporate America, it is more for show than anything actually measurable.  For example, I came to work one day in August only to be politely ambushed at the front door by some very pleasant members of the Georgia Clean Air Campaign.  These folks were there to make sure we knew the benefits of telecommuting, working from home, and other remote work options.  Nothing against the Clean Air Campaign people, however, this came as a bit of a slap in the face.  Fathom the hypocrisy of an employer who refuses to allow any type of remote work and yet brings in an organization to tell us all how much better it would be for the environment if we weren't driving to work every day.  Sound and fury, signifying nothing.  While most of these green efforts are mere annoyances, every now and again one turns into a full blown disaster.  And thus began "The Saga of the Flushless Urinal".  

Almost four years ago to the day, in yet another green effort, my employer decided to install flushless urinals in our building.  If you are unfamiliar with a flushless or waterless urinal, it’s pretty much like it sounds:  unlike traditional urinals, which (depending on who you ask) use one to five gallons of water per flush, flushless urinals use no water save for the occasional cleaning.  Based on this brief description, I can’t say I found the idea very appealing.  Waterless plumbing? A novel idea! I bet if you stare at it long enough, and click your heels maybe it will just disappear. On the surface, the idea of a waterless urinal is simply disgusting.  Yet, I couldn’t really argue the water conservation aspect of it.  Additionally, I was told that studies “suggest” that a flushless urinal has far less bacteria and microorganisms.  Looking at these urinals, this part especially sounded like a bit of stretch and seems more firmly in the category of "wishful thinking". 

Slightly off topic for a moment, but I’m always wary of any study that “suggests” something.  A great deal of the misinformation floating around comes from studies that “suggests” something.  For example, someone reads a snippet of a lab study that shows sour sop seeds have 10,000 times the potency of a common chemotherapy drug on a type of colon cancer (note all the fine print.)  Now unleashed, this one snippet from one lab study concerning one particular drug against one particular type of cancer becomes the cure the world has been waiting for.  This further mutates into a highly misleading and potentially dangerous claim that sour sop is a "miracle unleashed" and a viable alternative to medical cancer treatments.  It’s why I take any opportunity to debunk internet myths and urban legends:  the peddling of nonsense under the guise of pseudoscience.  

Hmmm....not really.

However, I digress and will now focus on the topic, back to the flushless urinal.  While it seemed the water conservation was an advantage, I wasn’t sure how much help this truly would be to the environment.  It seemed to me any benefit from the water reduction would be offset by urinals that perpetually reek of chemicals and pee.  Regardless, none of these concerns really mattered.  Like it or not, I’m stuck in this building for roughly eight hours each day.  Despite my reservations, I made my first approach with an open mind. 

This is the offensive monstrosity. Note the lonely water pipe above it, pondering what it will do now that flushing has been deemed environmentally damaging. Flushing can't be worse than the rank chemicals used in this porcelain stink pot. This picture was taken in late 2009 yet somehow my office bathroom had reverted back to outhouse mode.  

Now don't you feel better knowing this? I do.

As you are relieving yourself, my employer was nice enough to provide reading material in the form of this wonderfully enlightening sign.  This lets you know, in no uncertain terms, exactly why you are breathing in a potentially hazardous mix of chemical and pee fumes.  While I still can’t really argue the water savings, surely in the 21st century there is a better way.  If my employer (or any other organization using these) really wanted to think green, I think the first step would be to get rid of all the self-flushing toilets. Those things go off if someone simply walks by the stall and even when you are sitting on them, creating an unexpected bidet effect.  Have you ever tried to put the paper liner on those self-flushers only to have them flush it away before you can even sit on it?

For some strange reason, at the bottom of the urinal, there is a small bee painted into the porcelain. I'm still not sure how the bee factors into anything, so I just used it as a bulls eye.  I'm sure someone worked hard on this drawing only to have it urinated on by total strangers. So much for all that time in art school.  A friend of mine actually posited the theory that the bee was to signify the “boys” restroom; the "girls" restroom would have had little birds, according to her.  It did (and still does) make just as much sense as any other theory surrounding insect paintings and flushless urinals.  

The flushless urinals would remain in the building and I simply adjusted.  Slowly, over time, there came a very subtle aromatic change.  The hallway began to have a smell, ever so faintly.  The nearby break room, sharing a wall with the bathroom, eventually had a slight smell creep into the area.  For several months, I thought it was simply my imagination, something that my subconscious created.  Until, one fateful day early last month when this sign first appeared, ominously hanging on the men's room door:

For the next several weeks, floor by floor, room by room, the restrooms went through a complete overhaul.  Entire sections of pipe were torn out of walls and the flushless urinals were removed, to be replaced again with regular urinals.  Seems the decision makers didn't realize that without any water to flush away the waste, it would just sit there in the pipes. Copper pipes. And apparently uric acid and copper pipes don't play well together.  Copper pipe, it seems, is more susceptible to corrosion from the acid and instead of entering the sewage system…..well, by now I’m sure you get the picture.  Roland Emmerich needs to make a movie about this now! 

Fast forward to the present day and the office restrooms are restored and right back where they started.  The urinals once again flush with water, the restrooms completely rebuilt.  My employer emerges, scarred but hopefully a bit smarter.  Was it worth it? Who can say? I’m sure the PR group though it was a great warm and fuzzy to say we had "completely waterless" urinals.  Probably a terrific selling point too...right up until the pipes pulled a Niagara Falls on somebody's head.  I think the waterless urinals were more a money saving experiment and less about the environment.  Regardless, I hope with the next “green” initiative, the people in charge will involve The Department of Unintended Consequences at the very beginning.