The Best Holiday Movies You Aren't Watching

I am a rabid movie buff.  I devour movies the way others devour books or gobble up sports.  Most conversations with me that last longer than thirty or so minutes will usually include a quote, allusion, or similar reference to a film.  One of the main things that I think really separates me from most of my other fellow movie buffs is I love almost all movies.  From star studded blockbusters and F/X heavy extravaganzas to indie films and movies so obscure most people refuse to believe they exists, I enjoy them all.  A movie has to be truly bad for me to not enjoy it on some level.  A friend of mine once told me “You are the only person I know who can watch Synecdoche and Drive Angry and enjoy both equally.”

The holidays are barreling at us like a freight train and for a lot of families that means a glut of movie viewing, both at home and in theaters.  Families can be challenging and difficult to spend time with; according to the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO - but not that one), Thanksgiving is historically the busiest day of the year for movie theaters - and Christmas is a very close second.  For some people, movies are a yearly tradition that the whole family can enjoy.  For others, it's about taking a break from family or shopping to simply relax for a bit.  No matter the reason, movies at Thanksgiving and Christmas are a staple of American holiday tradition.

Every family has their favorite holiday movies, many of them time honored classics.  I want to add to that list by drawing attention to lesser known films that may be overlooked.  I want to avoid It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34^th Street, Scrooged and other long established classics and instead focus more on overlooked or more recent films.  For example, despite being released in 1989, it’s only been the last decade or so that National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation has been widely acknowledged as a “new” Christmas classic.

For your consideration, the best holiday movies you aren’t watching (in no particular order):

DIE HARD:  Arguably one of the best action movies ever made, Die Hard made Bruce Willis an A lister, unleashed Alan Rickman on an unsuspecting world, and created an entirely new sub-genre of action film with “Die Hard on a (blank)” becoming a favorite plot synopsis and studio pitch.   

NYPD Detective John McClane (Bruce Willis, in the performance that would create his on screen persona), is a New York cop with a penchant for annoying authority figures. Traveling to Los Angeles in a last ditch attempt to patch things up with his estranged wife Holly (Bonnie Bedelia), McClane finds himself involved in a hostage situation. Terrorists, led by the enigmatic Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), have taken over the towering Nakatomi Plaza skyscraper, holding McClane, his wife, and her coworkers hostage.  Gruber holds the upper hand over the LAPD and FBI forces in Los Angeles, and it's up to McClane to save the day. 

Die Hard is lean, mean, and doesn't contain a single second of wasted screen time. The direction, the action, the story, the acting, every aspect is big-budget action movie perfection.  Die Hard became the prototype for action films to follow; it's difficult to think of an 80’s/90’s blockbuster action film that doesn't follow the basic structure and format of Die Hard . . . or, for that matter, is better than Die Hard.  Forget the various sequels and stick with the original.

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  The big reveal of a dead terrorist bound to a chair, with McClane’s taunting statement:  “Now I have a machine gun. Ho-Ho-Ho” scrawled across his chest.  The scene by itself is good enough, but hearing Rickman as he reads the whole thing sends the cool factor into the stratosphere.

BAD SANTA:  Definitely not for children, Bad Santa is Christmas at its darkest; full of profanity, sexual situations, bad people, and evil deeds.  And it’s gut bustlingly hilarious.  

At the height of the holiday season, merry shoppers have begun their yearly pilgrimages to their local malls.  Among them are alcoholic con man Willie T. Stokes (Billy Bob Thornton) and his pint-sized partner, Marcus (Tony Cox).  Each year on Christmas Eve, Stokes and Marcus stage elaborate robberies and take mall department stores for everything they've got.  But, their strategy gets complicated when they encounter a precocious 8-year old that teaches them the true meaning of Christmas.  But not in the way you might think.

As a drunken, revolting, immoral Santa, Billy Bob is a wonder.  His face is a moving, disturbing, hysterical reflection of his awareness.  This is a dig-in nails, ribald, hardcore satirical look at one man in the midst of a total breakdown during Christmas time.  Despite the description, the film is touching, but not in a conventional sense.  

On the surface, the film comes across as a vulgar assault on the Christmas spirit, and, in a way, it is.  But deeper than that is a story about a man who has lost all faith in the human race.  Listless, damaged, perhaps broken beyond repair, it seems impossible that Willie could ever be restored. Without being sappy, disguised behind twisted humor, Bad Santa is an emotional journey of redemption for a thoroughly contemptible character.  It's a masterpiece of dark comedy and one of the best holiday films in recent years. 

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  Mall Manager Bob (John Ritter, in his final film role) catches a Santa attired Willie in flagrante delicto with a woman in the dressing room.  The profane conversation that follows is priceless.  And also impossible to find on Youtube.

GREMLINS:   Any child from the 80’s knows you don’t ever feed your Mogwai after midnight. Hilarious mayhem and destruction erupt in a town straight out of Norman Rockwell when miniature green monsters tear through the small town of Kingston Falls. 

When Billy Peltzer is given a small creature called a Mogwai by his father, he is unaware of the carnage he is about to encounter. There is a huge responsibility in looking after Gizmo as there are certain rules which must be followed. The Mogwai must be kept away from bright light, never made wet and never, ever be fed after midnight. When an accident occurs involving Gizmo and water, the next stage of the Mogwai appears, and it isn't nice at all.

A crazy, twisted, inventive, and violent Christmas classic, Gremlins melds wicked comedy with nail biting creeps.  There's really no way to classify or categorize Gremlins. It's too mean-spirited to be a kid's film, but not quite intense enough to justify a harsher rating.  Regardless, the laughs and scares of Gremlins are dark, chaotic and pretty darn infectious.  Even now, almost 30 years after its release, Gremlins somehow remains endearing, fresh, and funny with a bunch of likable characters - especially Gizmo, the favorite and most infamous little critter ever seen on screen, and Stripe, the lead gremlin whose unfortunate frying incident at the end of the film actually makes you sad.

Gremlins was a smash hit and kicked off a rash of movies (of varying quality) featuring mischievous little flesh eating varmints:    Critters 1-4, Ghoulies 1-4, Munchies, Troll, Hobgoblins, Evil Toons, and a personal favorite franchise, Leprechaun. 

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  Phoebe Cates on why she hates Christmas.

                

THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT:  Before there was Jason Bourne, there was Charly Baltimore. Small-town schoolteacher and amnesiac housewife Samantha Kane (Geena Davis) slowly begins to regain her memory and realizes she really used to be a secret government assassin! Soon, there are plenty of shady men after her and small-time private detective Mitch Henessey (Samuel L. Jackson).  Cue any number of one liners, insane action sequences, and plenty of explosions.

This movie is absolutely ridiculous and that’s the best part.  TLKG in no way reflects the real world.  Nothing in this film makes any real world sense or has any real world logic. It operates entirely in its own little world.   This is an action film with brain and brawn that follows its own internal logic.  If you can accept the completely unreal premise of a hit woman regaining her memory as the past comes back to haunt her, this is a film for you.  Truly, forget about that, this flick isn’t about storyline, it’s about action, and there's plenty of that to go around.  People either love or hate TLKG, if they've ever heard of it at all.  If you like action films this is a film to definitely try.

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  The whole movie is full of Christmas goodies (as the trailer below shows), but I especially like Geena Davis using some industrial strength Christmas lights to get the upper hand on a bad guy. 

PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES:  Easily the reigning champ of Thanksgiving themed movies.  I’m not sure who had the brilliant idea of pairing Steve Martin and John Candy together but they are a genius.  The only downside is why it didn't happen earlier and more often.  Constantly hilarious, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is a fantastic road trip comedy which incredibly, was not included in the AFI's Top 100 Comedies.  It will easily bring you to tears, both from laughter and its touching ending.  The greatness and pure genius of Planes, Trains and Automobiles is that, while it is uproariously hysterical, unlike other generic comedies, it also reveals great hurt and truth.    

The movie’s premise is pretty basic:  Neal Page (Steve Martin) wants to get home for Thanksgiving.  Cursed with bad luck from the movie’s start, his flight is cancelled due to weather.  Desperate to get home, Page decides to seek out other means of transportation, only to meet traveling shower ring salesman Del Griffith (John Candy).  Griffith is not only a salesman, but an all-around blabbermouth who is never short of unwanted advice, bad jokes, or long and one sided conversations.  And he’s going the same direction as Neal....

John Candy remains one of the most underrated and underwritten film comedians of all time. Offered constant mediocre scripts during the eighties and early nineties, all the way up until his death in 1994, he could always make the material something more, something watchable. But given great material to work with, Candy was simply brilliant.  It's genius how much dramatic, emotional and truthful subtext sneak into this film, and yet it only makes it all the better for it. It’s a serious comedy that has both heart and is hilarious at the same time.

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  The morning the two wake up at the Braidwood Inn…..

SANTA CLAUS:  There have been many movies versions of Santa but I can guarantee you've never seen one quite like this.  Remember earlier when I mentioned obscure movies? This is one of them.  Immortalized in an episode of the first-rate Mystery Science Theater 3000, this Santa Claus remains one of the most compellingly bizarre movies I've ever seen; this film is the stuff nightmares are made of.  Fans of psychotropic cinema will be in heaven as this version of Santa is as unique a viewing experience as either "Eraserhead" or "El Topo".  A movie like this is the stuff cult film fanatics can only dream of.

Where to begin? In this universe, Santa doesn't live in the North Pole, but in a cloud in outer space. Equipped with more surveillance devices than the Impossible Mission Force (seemingly made up of appliances and human organs), Santa knows what every child is up to.  Though this Santa doesn't have elves, he does have the help of Merlin the Magician (?!) and children from all around the world (apparently child labor laws don't mean too much to him).  Santa’s sworn enemy is Pitch, a prissy devil who dances a lot, complains of stomach cramps, and uses wild hand gestures when he talks. For some reason, Pitch has to destroy Christmas or Satan will make his ulcer worse!  Oh, and Santa’s reindeer are mechanical and need to be wound up with a magic key to work.

Before you ask, no I am not making any of this up; this movie is a strong contender for “Strangest Christmas Movie Ever Made”.  Fans of esoteric or outré cinema should watch the film itself and enjoy the experience.  For regular movie watchers, I'd suggest the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, which mercilessly homes in on each and every bizarre or particularly weak point. Interestingly enough, this is one of the few Christmas films I can think of to explicitly mention Jesus.

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  Since this movie doesn't follow the standard holiday traditions, it’s impossible to say.  Just watch this:

RARE EXPORTS:  A CHRISTMAS TALE:  From one strange interpretation of Santa to the next.  Except Rare Exports is superb Anti-Christmas viewing; a darkly comic gem of a horror movie.  Rare Exports reminds me of other excellent darker movies with child protagonists such as The Goonies, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Monster Squad and The Lost Boys.   In these movies, the kids were the first to realize what was truly happening while the adults lagged behind in disbelief.  Rare Exports is very funny in different places for different reasons but always keeps a dark, sinister edge to it.  There's a constant tinge of horror in the background at all times; if Stephen King or Clive Barker were to write a horror story that was “fun for the whole family”, I imagine it would be much like this. 

It’s Christmas Eve in northern Finland and an archaeological dig has just unearthed the real Santa Claus.  But this particular Santa is not one you want coming through your town.  When local naughty children begin disappearing young Pietari and his father Rauno set out to capture the mythological being.   But this Santa turns out to be a nightmarish brute.  And his army of ravenous elves will stop at nothing to free their leader from captivity.

If you're sick of plots involving candy canes, people stealing presents and Grinchy rip off characters tamely threatening the holiday season, then this is the movie for you.  Rare Exports is a welcome distraction from all the ‘niceness’ of Christmas.  The film finds a great balance between horror, terror, humor and remembering that it shouldn't take itself too seriously.  The movie is about a killer Santa Claus (or Claws, maybe?) after all.  As an added bonus, the rugged Finnish landscape is breathtakingly beautiful.

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  Finally, a movie Santa that actually cares if you are naughty or nice.  And if you are naughty, a lump of coal will be the least of your worries.

THANKSKILLING:  Let’s just get this out of the way right now:  this movie is not supposed to be good. It's supposed to be as bad as it sounds.  I wavered back and forth about whether or not to even include this on the list.  To say this movie is bad is to like saying Oedipus had a mild crush on his mother.  However, the more I thought about it, the more I felt I had to include it.  Sometimes, a bad movie is so bad it actually transcends its badness and achieves an inexplicable greatness.  Without fear of contradiction, I can safely say that Thankskilling is the single best holiday-themed movie about a homicidal turkey ever made. 

"Thankskilling" centers on a fowl-mouthed, trash-talking necromanced undead turkey that goes on a murderous rampage.  Seeking revenge for all the fallen turkeys since the 1600’s, this Turkey kills, cusses, and constantly talks crap.  All the usual suspects of overused horror clichés are here (The Jock, The Hot Girl, The Sensitive Girl, The Funny Fat Guy, and The Nerd), but each one is exaggerated to the point of caricature.  Of course, The Five Clichés embark on an idyllic Thanksgiving weekend getaway and, of course, they encounter homicidal turkey.  Murderous hijinks ensue. 

"Thankskilling" is a movie made for horror fans, as it totally exploits the ridiculous genre conventions most horror films employ to a fault.  It’s offensive, vulgar, and most of all, completely absurd, but all the crazy random elements are woven together in a way that could almost be called genius.  The Turkey is actually a ridiculously poor quality hand puppet, and yet the Turkey is one of the more refreshing villains I've seen in low budget horror.  The acting is intentionally wooden and at times over the top, but it all gels perfectly with the outlandish and sarcastic tone of the film.  If you're in the mood for some absurd horror fare, "Thankskilling" will offer you a great time. Just be sure to check your political correctness at the door.

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:   The Turkey hitches a ride and yet, not once does the driver even question the presence of a talking turkey with a shotgun.  I’m not about to post a video from this movie here— brave souls can find many on YouTube.

SANTA’S SLAY:  Much like Rare Exports, Santa’s Slay reinvents Kris Kringle as something much more than a jolly fat man in a red suit.  Santa’s Slay is a pleasantly deranged and hugely entertaining horror comedy stuffed with season’s beatings.  Intentionally silly and over the top, Santa’s Slay actually has a few clever and creative ideas hidden in all the onscreen corn.  And extra points for any movie that can actually find a way to put the sport of curling in the spotlight.

This version of Santa, played with berserker biker attitude by professional wrestler Bill Goldberg, is actually the son of Satan (never noticed the name similarity before.)  Originally, Christmas was "The Day of Slaying" for Santa until an angel defeated Santa in a curling (!!) match.  His sentence:  for 1,000 years, Santa would have to be joyful and deliver presents to children on Christmas.  Unfortunately, the 1,000 years is up and this means that Santa is free to kill again. After a couple of pointless but hilarious stops to slaughter annoying actors like Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan, the mad as hell Santa heads for the township of Hell to take revenge. 

There is so much fun to be had with this movie.  Despite the ridiculousness of it all, Santa’s Slay actually has some genuinely clever moments.  The first three minutes of this movie is a great sequence of dysfunctional family Christmas humor, with the holiday dinner of a "happy" family (Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart, Fran Drescher, and James Caan among them) and the arrival of the wicked Santa Claus.  The scene explaining Santa’s origins are equally hilarious and magnificently done in the wooden stop motion style of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  A few other favorites include Santa beating up Christmas Carolers, kids running from Santa on snow mobiles, and a Jew holding up the Star of David to Santa, like a cross to a Vampire, in hopes his faith would save him.  The film gets extra points in the irony department for its emphasis on curling and using Bill Goldberg, a Jewish professional wrestler, as Santa Claus. 

Overall, Santa's Slay is a campy, funny, gory, all-around fun little movie. It's unrealistic and it's completely cheesy, but it's entertainment that anyone who enjoys black comedies or needs a break from standard holiday fare will want to check out. If you're expecting a serious horror flick, avoid this, but if you enjoy lighthearted, stupidly fun slasher movies, then this movie is perfect.   

BEST HOLIDAY MOMENT:  The aforementioned Christmas dinner scene that sets the tone for the entire film.

I would be remiss if I didn't include a special Honorable Mention for Eli Roth’s magnificent 3 minute faux trailer for Thanksgiving.  There were several fake trailers that ran during Grindhouse, the double-bill homage to 70s-exploitation cinema that paired Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof with Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror.  While all are spectacular, Thanksgiving is easily the best— a killer who dispatches his poor victims while dressed as a pilgrim. It’s sick, disgusting, and deliriously over the top. I’m not embedding the trailer here (it almost earned Grindhouse an NC-17 rating) but it can easily be found on YouTube.  Be warned, it is most definitely for adults only.

This holiday season, go out of your comfort zone a little and watch something new and unexpected.  Shake up the routine a bit.